BREAKING: Bill Clinton Checks Into Hospice In Upstate New York

Local reporter James Oglethorpe of the Westchester County Gazette reports that he personally witnessed William Jefferson Clinton being wheeled into the hospice room next to his own beloved wife:

“Clinton was brought in at about 4AM when usually nobody is here. My wife is in the final stages of colon cancer, so I haven’t left in a week. There’s a Secret Service agent outside his door and they shut down visiting hours for an hour earlier so Hillary and Chelsea could visit. I refused to leave and had to stay in my wife’s room, bvut I couyld hear them talking through the wall. He doesn’t have long.”

The Clintons are denying that Bill is in any kind of danger or that he’s in a hospice in New York. Their spokesman says he is “happily enjoying a vacation abroad.” Apparently “abroad” means in a deathbed in Westchester.

Oglethorpe is being silenced by the Secret Service but has managed to get us several messages. We’ll keep you updated on this developing story.